i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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