All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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