Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
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