oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Randomize
