I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Randomize
