You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
