FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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