so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
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