and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
