I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
