You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
