life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
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