There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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