Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
