Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
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