I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Randomize
