Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Randomize
