I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
