The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Randomize
