Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Nevermine. I'm just going to tell you on Myspace with a glitter graphic.
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
