You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
