We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
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