Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Randomize
