I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I'm at about main and main street
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
