My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Randomize
