he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Randomize
