I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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