I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Randomize
