It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
When are your genitals available?
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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