my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Apparently every Tri-Delt knows what I did and I am blacklisted from ever dating anyone in that house.
Well ya you lied, told her you cared, took her virginity and then broke up with her at Christies Toy Box.
I honestly thought the dildo was a nice parting gift.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
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