If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Randomize
