Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Randomize
