If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
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