He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
where are my eyebrows?
Randomize
