i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Randomize
