One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
