I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Randomize
