Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
