I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
