What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
he shaved USA in his pubs
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
lets start a swedish sibling band together
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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