Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
Randomize
