She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
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