Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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