My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
