What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
