He asked me if I "almost moaned"
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
