"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
I like to think it a success when the cops are called
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
