I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
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