A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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