Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Randomize
