dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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