I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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