Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
