you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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