last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
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