I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Randomize
